the why and the who and the what what what
by ipsa dixit
Summary: All that's running through his head is that one word. What. What. What. What. What. What./for ana


_prompts at the bottom._

 _for ana, because it's your faves and i know that you've been having a rough week :3 love you_

 _thank you to audrey, shiba and ck for betaing!_

 _note - slight au (blaise has the dark mark, too)_

 _2342 words, by google docs_

* * *

Blaise's arm throbs. He hates looking at it and he hates everything that it stands for.

It's not like it was his choice to take the mark. The only other option was awful; it still hurts him to think about it.

The only person that could possibly feel the same way he did was sitting right across from him, right now.

Draco.

"It's a big deal, you know," Draco says lazily. He's sprawled over Pansy, his arms outstretched. Blaise tries to stop himself, he really does, but he can't stop glancing at Draco's left arm. His sleeve is starting to slide up and Blaise has a strong urge to push it down; he doesn't want any person in their group of friends to know that Draco has the Dark Mark—what if they figure out that he has it, too?

Yet, Blaise does nothing to Draco's arm except look at it. They've seen each other at meetings, so they both know about each other, but it's become an unspoken agreement between them to not talk about it.

"I can't tell you—it's a pretty big secret, too—but you'll find out when it happens, I suppose," Draco continues. Blaise bites his lip. He doesn't know what's Draco's specific task, but he does know that if Draco doesn't _shut up_ everyone will know their secret.

Blaise isn't sure why it makes him so nervous.

He nearly jumps when Theo pokes him in the arm, but he relaxes when he sees that it's just Theo and spares a small smile.

"Are you okay?" Theo asks, an eyebrow raised at him. "You're usually quiet, mate, but something seems different today. I don't know." Theo gives Blaise a lopsided smile and Blaise's stomach churns.

Theo.

Theo's the one Blaise needs to hide his Dark Mark from. Theo has talked so many times about how he's against the Dark Lord and everything he stands for. Theo will _hate_ Blaise if he ever finds out.

 _Of course,_ a small voice in the back of his head reminds him, _Theo's also said that he's fine being friends with people who don't think the same way as he does._

Blaise seriously doubts that Theo would choose Blaise's side over his own. The thought of losing Theo's friendship makes him sick—they've been friends since they were little, even before Hogwarts.

Maybe Blaise is just unwell.

"I'm fine," he tells Theo as his head begins to pound, "just a little bit ill."

"Draco makes me feel ill, too," Theo replies with a smirk. He mimes gagging and Blaise can't help but laugh.

 _See?_ he tells himself. _That wasn't so bad. Theo will never know._

* * *

"I think Draco took the Dark Mark."

Blaise almost chokes on his own spit as Theo walks in.

"That's a… bold statement," he says, trying not to cringe. _Correct_ , his internal monologue screams. _You mean to say that it's a_ correct _statement._

Except Blaise won't say that—Theo looks pained about it. Blaise was right; Theo wouldn't want to be friends with someone with a Dark Mark. His heart sinks.

On the other hand, Theo doesn't know about Blaise. Yet.

"He seems _different._ And he hasn't worn anything but long-sleeves all year."

Blaise bites his tongue. He's been avoiding short-sleeves, too.

"Why would he do that?" Theo says. He looks ready to kick something. Draco, maybe.

"How do you know that he actually has it?" Blaise counters, instead. It's a good point: Theo hasn't given any real proof, yet.

"I'm pretty sure," Theo says, which they both know is a flimsy reason. Blaise stares him down and Theo sighs. "My father has been pressuring me to take it since the beginning of the summer. I've refused, but I have every reason to believe that Draco's father has done the same and that he _hasn't_ refused."

The silence after Theo's statement is thick. It makes the air stale and dries up Blaise's tongue. He wants to say something, _anything_ , to deny Theo's claim, but he doesn't know what say. He's sure that Theo can see it in his eyes; he sits down on the chair next to Blaise's, looking defeated.

"He told you."

It's not a question; it's a statement.

Great, Blaise has basically just _told_ Theo that he's a Death Eater.

"And he didn't tell me," Theo says, sounding bitter. Blaise continues to say nothing. " _Why_?"

Blaise isn't sure if he's asking about why Draco took the mark or why Draco didn't tell Theo. He chooses to answer the former.

"His family probably wants more leverage than they already have," Blaise suggests. It's not a lie—the Malfoys have _always_ wanted more power. To be honest, Blaise has been wondering the same question himself. Draco _never_ gives in to what other people want unless he agrees with their view. He probably wanted to share some of his family's glory.

Taking pleasure in knocking down people who were already low down would be just the type of thing Draco would love—or is that one of Theo's tirades echoing in his head again?

"Maybe," Theo says, sitting up straight. He sighs, glancing at Blaise. "Thanks for actually talking to me, unlike someone I can mention."

Blaise nods. "No problem," he chokes out. Is that his heart pounding in his throat?

"I know you wouldn't want that kind of power."

Theo is right. Theo is always right. Blaise is disgusted by Draco for wanting that kind of power. He's definitely been spending too much time with Theo.

Something flashes across Theo's face quickly. Blaise almost misses it, but it's there.

"Thanks, Blaise," Theo says, patting Blaise's left arm. Theo walks away, leaving Blaise's arm tingling, not where Theo patted him, but where the Dark Mark is.

He really hates it.

* * *

Draco looks exhausted. Blaise doesn't quite comprehend it. He should be happy. He should be having an outstanding life. His family has even more authority, thanks to their perfect little son following in their footsteps.

Meanwhile, Blaise's mother is writing nearly daily, telling him that she's _scared_. His mother is scared. His mother, who raised Blaise by herself and went through several marriages, carrying on through them all, is _scared_. Blaise feels more than stressed out.

The only bright ray of light is Theo, honestly; Theo has started to spend even more time with Blaise. He seems to be avoiding Draco since he got confirmation about Draco's Dark Mark.

Not that Blaise has told him outright. He'd _never_ do that!

But Theo spending more time with Blaise means that he doesn't know that Blaise has the Dark Mark, too, which means that Blaise can keep his best friend and his family all in one go. He's petrified that everything is going to unravel.

"You know what I like about you?" Theo says, one day. His legs are propped up on Blaise's lap as they both study for their upcoming defence test—Professor Snape might favor their house, but his tests are harder than any other professor's and they can't fake a grade.

Blaise shrugs at Theo, turning the page to read about another exciting topic that he really doesn't care about. He's pretty certain his brain is melting. Theo swings his legs off of Blaise and sits up.

"I can talk as much as I want around you and you hardly ever say anything. It's great. I like talking."

Blaise shrugs again. He doesn't see the point of talking unless he has something important to say. Besides, Blaise's inner monologue is great. He doesn't need an outer one.

 _Also, you'd probably let your secret slip to Theo if you start talking and then he'll hate you, just like he hates Draco_ , he tells himself. What witty commentary.

"Honestly, whatever inside jokes you have with yourself, I'd like to be in on them," Theo says. Blaise turns to face him and is greeted by Theo's face.

 _Wow. He's really close_ , he thinks. Theo's so close that he can probably hear Blaise's heart beating hard, trying to break through the layers of skin and ribs separating the outside world and it.

And then Theo's lips are touching his and he has no _freaking_ clue what to do and his insides are exploding, going everywhere. It's a bizarre feeling.

Blaise is sixty percent sure he's dead. Human beings can't survive exploding into millions of tiny pieces, and he's _one hundred_ perfect sure that he just exploded. He's almost scared to open his eyes, but he does, forcing them open because there's no more pressure on his lips.

He's not dead, miraculously.

"What?" Blaise says the eloquent person he is. _So much for having a great inner monologue_.

All that's running through his head is that one word.

 _What. What. What. What. What. What._

His entire world just shifted, at least sixty-eight degrees. He has no idea what else to think, other than 'what'. Another thought penetrates the steady stream, though: _You'll have to tell him now. He's not going ever do that again if he finds out on his own._

Theo has a smirk on his face as if he's been planning that for a long time. He probably has been, knowing Theo.

"I've been wanting to do that since third year," he tells Blaise, matter-of-factly.

"Well you did," Blaise squeaks out. Theo nods but he looks crestfallen. Blaise then realises: _Oh. He thinks you hate him. React!_

"I have the Dark Mark," Blaise blurts out saying the first thing that comes to his mind.

He is _skilled_ at keeping secrets.

"That sounds worse than it is," he adds quickly. Theo's expression is changing every second as if he can't decide how to feel.

"It sounds like you have the Dark Mark," Theo says stiffly.

"It sounds exactly as bad," Blaise corrects. Theo hates him. Blaise _knows_ it.

"Right." Theo furrows his brows as if he's having trouble processing what Blaise said. He gets up and walks out as if someone else is controlling his body.

 _Idiot, idiot, idiot._

* * *

Blaise is sick of life. He hates Draco.

And he tells him straight to his face. There's a fire in him because he's _sick_ of Draco being the powerful one. He's sick of Draco's family taking _gratification_ in having the Dark Mark when he had to take it save his mother.

And now Theo's probably never going to talk to him again.

"I hate you," he tells Draco when they're alone in their dormitory. It seems like Theo's been spending less and less time lingering around them and Blaise doesn't think he's seen Vincent or Gregory much this year, which is odd; they're usually hanging around Draco, obeying his every word.

"What is it this time?" Draco asks his left sock partially on.

"The mark," Blaise says. Something is pressing on his chest and he's hoping that he doesn't freeze up. He needs to tell Draco this. He needs this out of his mind.

"The mark," Draco repeats slowly. He pulls on the rest of his sock and stands up, turning to face Blaise. "What about it?"

"You just took it so that your family can get even more power than they already have!" Blaise blurts out. He's _done_ beating around the bush. " _I_ took it to protect my mother and it's ruining my _life_! Your family is pretty awful, you know that? You have enough power."

Blaise is shouting and his anger is filling to the top and his heart is beating like a drum. He doesn't know where this feeling has come from, but he knows this: he hates Draco, he hates the Malfoy family, and he hates the fact that Draco never has to do anything that risks his life. Every single day Blaise worries about if his mother is going to die while Draco flaunts his power. Draco's _proud_ to be a Death Eater.

Blaise could've been _happy_ without the godforsaken mark on his arm, but instead he's stuck in his own mind. He can never let go of this. Draco as a Death Eater is something he can be proud of.  
Blaise takes a deep breath and looks over Draco. Draco's hands are clenched in fists by his side and he's rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. His face is a vivid shade of crimson and his eyes are shut tight. Blaise feels guilty for how Draco looks right now, but what makes his heart slow down a bit is something that shocks him—there are tears leaking out of Draco's eyes.  
Silent tears are running down his face, and Blaise thinks that's why Draco's face is so red—he's probably embarrassed to be crying. Blaise tries to think back, but in all the years he's known Draco, not _once_ has he seen Draco cry.  
He's still angry at Draco's need for power, but his heart has started to ache.  
"What are you talking about? You think I—" Draco chokes out. His voice cracks and he takes a deep breath, directing his eyes to the ground.

Blaise is an awful human being. He gets it now. He understands why Theo hates him.

It's because he's a wanker.

"Are you okay?" Blaise asks, faltering. He can see Draco take a deep breath and he looks up after a few moments.

"Yeah, I'm fine because I'm a Malfoy and we don't have hearts and we don't care about our families and we just want power," Draco deadpans. He laughs but there's no humor in it. His laugh pierces the air, shattering it into thousands of tiny pieces.

 _At least you didn't make him lose his great sense of humour_ , Blaise tells himself.

"What are you talking about? I never said—"

"You basically did," Draco says. He gives Blaise a look of deep disdain. "My father is rotting away in Azkaban. My mother is too scared to make a stand. And you think I want more power?"

Draco sits back on his bed. He looks like all the energy has poured out of his body, gone in one zap.

"I did it to protect my family, too."

* * *

 _for:_

 _the houses competition [gryffindor, hoh stand in, themed, blaise]_

 _hogwarts assignment 7 [arithmancy, task 8 - a person who's considered to be in control feeling insecure]_

 _auction challenge ["what are you talking about?"]_

 _couple appreciation [restrictions - no characters over 21]_

 _pinata challenge [hurt/comfort]_

 _film festival [bizarre]_

 _tv addicts [dark aspects of purebloods; exposing the truth; private school]_

 _writing club [disney - piglet; amber's attic - it hurts to become; showtime - the council chamber; days of the month - tea day; lyric alley - lost and gone so fast; aaa - sammy stevens; sophie's shelf - hardboiled detective; lo's lowdown - steve rogers]_

 _bingo [73]_

 _guess the name [sherlock]_


End file.
